The worst part of tech layoffs? The corporate bullshit.

EBay to eliminate about 1,000 jobs, or 9% of full-time workforce

Jamie Iannone, eBay’s CEO, told employees in a letter published on a corporate blog, that the company will also “scale back the number of contracts we have within our alternate workforce over the coming months.”

Iannone said the job cuts are necessary because eBay’s “overall headcount and expenses have outpaced the growth of our business.”

“To address this, we’re implementing organizational changes that align and consolidate certain teams to improve the end-to-end experience, and better meet the needs of our customers around the world,” Iannone said. “Shortly, we will begin notifying those employees whose roles have been eliminated and entering into a consultation process in areas where required.”


I regret to inform you that some of you will soon be joining the ranks of the jobless peasants. Why? Because we got greedy and hired way too many of you. Oopsie!

As you know, running a successful business like eBay requires making very difficult decisions, like cutting costs instead of my eight-figure salary. Therefore, we have decided to axe a bunch of jobs to boost our profits. It's nothing personal, we just value shareholders more than employees.

We will be handing out pink slips shortly. Please form an orderly line so security can swiftly escort you out. On your way, be sure to drop off your badge and parking pass. We wish you the best of luck in this economic hellscape we've created!

For those of you still clinging to your jobs, work harder! We need to wring every last drop of blood, sweat and tears out of you to make up for those we fired. If you don't like it, you can go join the dirty jobless masses.

Please direct any complaints to our automated customer service line, which never picks up. Have a very eBay day!

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